Protective Strategies for Mom's with kids

This topic gets asked about during classes, so I figured I would post about it.  In many families Dad is seen as the protector, but the protector can only protect when he is around.  The reality is that Mom is the one who is always hauling kids around.

Moms are always going to be the #1 protector of the kids simply because of the amount of time they have them.  Self-defense skills are great, but even the good ones are more for protecting yourself and maybe other adults, not kids who are going to be a hindrance during any altercation, instead of an asset.

The first things for Mom has to be mindset.  The mindset needs to be that you are a bodyguard.  When we hear bodyguard, we think of a highly trained guy protecting someone by force.  The truth is, and any bodyguard will tell you, that if they have to use force at all, they view it as a failure.  Their two biggest tools are Awareness, and Avoidance, not Aggression.  Making a habit out of the first two is a good thing. Making a habit out of the latter is not.

The things a Mom with kids needs to be safe are time, space, and movement.  As hard as it can be, that means giving you extra time.  For example, when going for a doctor’s appointment, give yourself some extra time to circle the parking lot.  By doing so, there is a good chance that you may find a parking space closer or in a more populated area.  That means less ground cover with the kids which equals less exposure, or less chance of being approached because of witnesses.

The number one key to survival is the ability to move away from a threat.  This means if you are holding a little one, or have one by the hand, and for some reason feel confined or that your movement is otherwise being restricted, make a habit out of moving.  Never put yourself in a position where you are boxed in.  For example, when you take the kids to a restaurant, do your best to always sit close to an exit, especially one that you can see where it leads to.  At the first sign of a threat, grab your kids and get out.  

Now for the big one, putting kids in car seats.  During daylight is less of an issue to park around other cars, but at night it provides cover for criminals.  You want to remove someone’s ability to sneak up on you while you have your back turned buckling in the kids.  If possible, try to park in such a way that you are not surrounded by other vehicles.  When the situation dictates, you should always have a flashlight to look around the perimeter of your vehicle to see if anyone is around or in it before you approach.  Another sound habit is to hit your panic alarm for a few seconds.  This can get a would be bad guy to leave, while at the same time attracting witnesses to you.  It is good to be heard and seen.  Take a look around, knowing how long it takes you to get the kids settled in the car, how close is the nearest cover for a bad guy to sneak up on you?

Put your older kids in the car first and tell them to be the eyes in the back of your head.  They can let you know if anyone is walking up behind you.  This is also a good life habit for them.

As for the aggression part of the equation, that is something Mothers are born with.  Just remember that you don’t want to fight the attacker, you want to stop the attack.  Because of the kids, it is likely not an option for you to run away, or if you do it will take time.  Your counter attack must overwhelm, shock, and stun the attacker.  The best way to do this is by attacking the face with your hands or hopefully something like a pen or flashlight.  Do your best to smash the eyes, nose, and mouth with repeated strikes.  If the opportunity presents itself, use your instep to scrape down their shin before stomping the bottom of your foot onto the top of theirs.  If you have the opportunity to slam a door on them, or smash their head into a vehicle or wall, do so and do it repeatedly until you can safely get away.

In most cases, it is not the kids they want, you will be targeted because they know you are distracted by the kids.  You need to realize that you are the last line of defense and that if you get knocked out, or removed, your kids will be alone or unprotected.

Remember 911 is for reporting an emergency, not preventing one.  That is up to you.

People don't like being told "no" & how to deal with them Part I- Setting the hook

Over the years, as a police officer and bouncer, I have suffered the unpleasant reactions of many when I told them "NO".  They have ranged from awkward smiles and compliance, to people going to jail and parking lot fights.  Let's take a look at why that small two letter word enrages people.

Just think about how many times you hear 'NO" from birth through childhood. People of authority, first your parents, other family, and then teachers tell you "NO" thousands of times.  Except for the teachers, only those people can follow up their command with physical force ranging from dragging you away from a display to a spanking.  As a kid, when you hear "NO" it is usually denying you food or continuing a certain behavior.  Depending on whether or not it was done with love can make a huge difference in the way that a person will react to that word as an adult.  More and more these day you have the total opposite.

You also have people both rich and poor who are not used to being told "NO" or that there are no consequences to not complying.  Once an adult, except for the police, there are few people that can legally back up being told "NO" with physical force.  So for most people, myself included, "NO" basically means that I need to find another way to accomplish my goal.  When someone tells me "NO", I don't get angry, I typically look for a way to "go around" them to get my needs met.  We all do this.  It is basically a survival instinct.  Here is the problem.  I am a peaceful,  relatively sensible person.  Not high on drugs or alcohol,  pretty much free of mental illness.  This means that in any situation I am able to quickly evaluate my options and choose those that will not draw unwanted attention to myself, or in anyway harm other people, including the person that told me "NO". Both my professional and personal life are stable.  Unfortunately, the reasons I have described above that minimize the chance of me even raising my voice to someone who tells me "NO" are often absent from many in our society.  People seem to be stressed out more than ever, and depending on what you are denying them by telling them "NO", no matter how insignificant it may be to you, may to them be life and death. You never know where on a persons path you are meeting them or what is going on in their life.  Try to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but be prepared for anything.

The bottom line is that from bouncer to bartender, and from receptionist to flight attendant, if you work with the public you are going to have to tell people "NO". They are not going to like it.  In some cases, now more than ever, they can escalate to physical violence.  How do you minimize and mitigate that reality? First of all, you need to become a student of human behavior.

First of all, try to get a "hook" with everyone you encounter.  A hook. as I was taught in my time as a Crisis Negotiator, is something you can use to relate to a person in crisis that has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  Notice I said everyone, and not just while you are working.  We all do this to an extent, but you need to cultivate it.  This is the first step in learning to create a fast mental profile of everyone you meet.  Soon it will become second nature.  Here are some of my favorite hooks.

Learn symbolism-  do you know what a Masonic symbol looks like?  How about the Alcoholics Anonymous symbols?  You will see these on people and vehicles.  If you see a symbol you are not familiar with, research it, or better yet ask the person.  In most cases, they will be happy to tell you all about it.  Now not only have you identified a hook, but you have used it to engage in dialogue.

Clothing- some people just throw clothes on, but most people are trying to tell you something.  Take notice of what it says on their hoodie or hat.  Is it a sports team?  A Veterans organization?  As a Veteran, I never pass up a chance to thank someone for their service after identifying them from what they wear or what they say.

Language-  Just about every profession has a language all to itself.  If you are at a convenience store getting coffee and two people come in together and you overhear them using phrases that you are not familiar with, ask them what they do.  Believe me, they will tell you.

Brands- even though I am a man, I am relativity familiar with brands of women's clothes.  I developed this while working as a doorman at a pub at a high end golf course.  The same is true for vehicles.  Ask any guy about his car, truck, or motorcycle and you will not be able to shut him up.  For some odd reason, I also know a fair amount about men's boots.

Locations- where you encounter people says a lot about them.  If you are at a ball game and they are all decked out in the home team's jersey and hat, there is a good chance they are more than a casual fan.  Sports fans love to talk about their teams.

After a while of practicing and noticing these and other hooks, both personally and professionally, you will soon be putting them to use in your daily life.  It is no different than when I compliment on how good my wife's hair looks before I tell the garage bill on my motorcycle ended up being more than expected.  It might not totally protect me, but it will soften the blow...I hope.

To make hooks valuable, especially in a customer service application, you need to identify them and use them upon first contact.  It will hopefully lead to a little small talk before business, allowing you to build a rapport with the person. Getting them to talk for a minute about the hook you have identified can be like giving them a verbal Xanax.  Now, if you need to deny them something, they will be less likely to escalate, at least on you, because in their mind you "know each other".

Part II  - Deescalating angry people.

Don't leave personal information in plain sight

You are probably thinking to yourself, what a crappy picture to use in a blog post.  Well there is a guy walking around who has no idea how lucky he is that I saw this on his front seat and snapped a blurry picture and just walked away.

For a while now I have had been planning on writing an article on not leaving things like your mail and ID card visible in your vehicle.  But today while getting my morning coffee...one of the holy grail for bad guys and identity thieves, a blank check exposed on the front seat of a vehicle.  Here is how easy it is to gather information from things that people unknowingly share with you. Understand that I did not read the information on the checks, just took the blurry picture to illustrate my point.

• I know his name
• I know his wife's name
• I know his address
• I know what bank he uses
• I know his routing number

I waited to see who got in the vehicle so now-

• I know what he looks like and what he drives
• I have his license plate
• I know this is his vehicle and if it's not at his house, neither is he

Luckily he did not have any of those "family" stickers on the back of his truck where people tell you how many kids they have and often their names.  This would have given me the first and last names of his kids.  I might have even known if he had a dog or not.

When he came out, I could see that he had left his vehicle unlocked.  I could have just taken those checks, not all of them, just some from the back so that it took a while for him to notice, giving me time to write a few.

This all happened in minutes.  I sure hope I am the only one who looked in his vehicle.  In today's world, it is easy to get information on people.  That does not mean you should give it away for the world to see.  

What do you do if someone is following you?

This is one of the most asked questions in our courses.  The key is not to over think it while at the same time not to minimize the threat.  Here is your goal-

Not to let them come in physical contact with you before the police come in physical contact with them.

Here are some ways to accomplish just that-

• Recognize if someone is following you by making four consecutive right turns.  This will bring you back to the same place, so you will know they are following you.
• Stay calm
• Put your flashers and lay on your horn as much as you can to attract attention.
• Call 911 and tell them where you are.  It is best to give a landmark just ahead of you, businesses are the easiest.  For example, "I am on Rt 40 East approaching the train station"
• Do not stop driving no matter how slow.  Movement will keep you alive.  Even if they crash into you, continue to drive as long as the vehicle is driveable.  Be prepared to drive over things like low curbs and landscaping if you need to, but keep moving.
• If possible, it is OK to drive through busy areas with lots of people, but don't stop.  A dedicated attacker will not let that stop him from attacking you.
• DO NOT lead them to your house.  First of all, this would cause you to stop, endanger your loved ones, and let them know where you live even if they drive off.
• People will often say to drive to the police station.  During the hours of darkness, it is likely only the front lobby is open and if there is a dispatcher they are protected by bullet proof glass.  If you have not been in contact with them, there is a good chance there will not be any officers at the station.  If you burst in running from someone, you will initially be considered a threat as well.

The best case scenario is that police are able to intercept you and get between you and the person following you and conduct a traffic stop.  If this happens and they stop, drive a safe distance away to separate yourself from the scene.  If for some reason you are blocked in by the police or physical barrier and they have him stopped, you need to decide whether it is better to jump out and get behind something that will stop bullets such as a concrete structure or vehicle, or sink down in your seat to make your body a smaller target and put the most metal between you and them.

Hopefully it never gets to this point or you are not followed at all.  If you are and at some point they drive away, get a good description of the driver and the vehicle.  If you cannot easily remember the license plate number, concentrate on make, model, body damage, and identifiers such as bumper stickers. 

Thinking through scenarios in your head will prepare you for real life emergencies.

The ugly truth about pepper spray

Next time you run into a cop ask him when was the last time he took a report of someone using pepper spray to defend themselves.  He will likely give you a blank stare and say never.  He might bring up that he has take reports of it being used as a robbery tool by those not wanting to get caught carrying a gun.

This is strange because we see pepper spray everywhere.  We see it for sale, we see it dangling on many a woman's key ring.  The success of marketing pepper spray is unrivaled in the world of self defense.  The biggest companies argue over who has the best product, but try calling them to get actual documented stories about citizens using their product during an actual assault.

When considering using any tool for self defense we consider four things in a logical progression; selection, carry, deployment, and use.  Pepper Spray fails miserably in all but selection.

Selection-  there are some brands out there that have developed products that will melt your eyes and have you choking and gagging for hours.  They even have stuff that is marketed for use on bears.  So for the sake of argument we have a can of the best product on the market.

Carry-  Look at your life as 100%, you would want something you could carry all the time right?  How often do you have to go to your children's school, government buildings, or fly?  The carrying of pepper spray is restricted in these areas.  So, lets just say you are down to 70%.  You will likely not carry it on you at home or at work in office environment.  So now, down to around the 30% of the time when you are not in a restricted area or in an area where you are relatively comfortable you will not need it.  In places where you are most likely to need it, between structures and and walking to and from you vehicle it is usually buried in your purse or pocket.

Deployment-  Unless you make a habit of walking around with it in your hand you will need to deploy it in anticipation of an attack or once an attack has started.  During the stress of a physical attack with your pulse racing above 200 BPM, you will need to locate your pepper spray and manipulate the safety and target your attacker.  Keep in mind that the majority of attacks, especially against women will come from the rear.

Use-  You have your pepper spray in your hand and have deactivated the safety.  Is there a breeze, are you or your attacker moving,  are you close enough for the spray to hit your attacker?  Are you prepared for your reaction to getting the spray blown back in your face or the falling forward into it?  Do you wear contacts?  Are you prepared for the chemicals in the spray to bond them to your eyes  If you are close to your vehicle how will you be able to drive?  How will you be able to use a cell phone?  What if you have your children with you, if you can't see how will you protect them?

The #1 key to survival is movement.  To use pepper spray effectively you must stand still, be close enough to your attacker for the spray to reach him,   Is it realistic to think that either you our your attacker will stand still during an attack.

The takeaway is that if you are not in physical contact with your attacker you should run.  If you are in physical contact with your attacker you should use an improvised weapons such as a pen or flashlight, or your natural weapon such as your fists, elbows, and knees to attack the weak points of your attacker such as the face, neck, hands, feet, and groin.  Only remain in contact long enough to disable your attacker so that you can get away.  

Don't trust your life to spray in a can!

Three things that everyone should carry all the time.

Regardless of age or work environment, there are three things that everyone should have one them all the time: a whistle, a banana, and a flashlight, and here's why.

Whistle- our world is so full of ringtones, buzzes, beeps, and other noise that few noises are capable of getting attention.  Unless you are on a sports field, you seldom if ever here a whistle.  Signaling is key in an emergency situation whether you are in the woods or a dark parking garage.  Three short blasts is the international sign for distress.  They can offer piece of mind when allowing young ones to use a public bathroom or when the family is at large outdoor events such as amusement parks.  Let them known it is only to be used in case of an emergency, they will be more mature about it than you think.  When you hear that whistle you will know it is your child.

Bandanna - easy enough to fold up and keep in any pocket.  There are tons of uses for them but there are three primary ones we are concerned about.  The first is as a visual signaling device.  The second is as an improvised dust or smoke mask.  Last is as an improvised tourniquet.  Using a pen as a windlass (cylindrical item) that is used to wind the tourniquet tight and you might be able to save yours, or someone else's life.

Flashlight- once you start carrying one you will not believe how often you use it.  This can also be used as a visual signal but more importantly allow you to find your way to navigate during an emergency situation or find your way to a light switch on the other side of the room.  Another great idea when attending big events with the family is to get everyone a different color Photon Micro Lights and to clip it on their person, makes finding your group easy.

These three simple inexpensive things go a a long way for preparing your for emergencies both big and small.

Where to sit in a restaurant?