How to- deal with angry customers

The following incident happened a few weeks ago. For some time I have been donating plasma at a facility in York PA, not far from MCS York.  It is in a nice area but the plasma center tends to attract some interesting folks to say the least.  I go there for four reasons-

• It's easy money if you don't mind needles
• It gives me a solid 60-90 minutes to catch up on e-mails and texts.
• It provides the plasma for life-saving drugs.
• I get to sit back and watch the behavior of people I otherwise would not see.

The last one is a treasure trove for someone who loves to study human interaction and behavior.

The place I go is super busy but the staff only makes about $11 an hour as a phlebotomist.  Once they are trained, they move onto area hospitals for more money.  This often leads to low and inexperienced staffing. Add to this that people get antsy standing in line, things often get interesting.  Now that I have explained the environment, let me tell you what happened.  

It was about 11 AM and I had just walked in and done the typical prescreening at a kiosk.  On my way out of the bathroom I could hear a woman yelling on the other side of the center where you stand in line until they have an open bed.  Right away I surmised that it was either about her place in line or things taking too long. All the staff at the front, as well as all the managers, had formed a crowd and were trying to deal with her. This was the worst possible response to an angry customer.   If the person has already escalated to the point of yelling and screaming, this attention only adds fuel to the fire.  

This is negotiating 101.  One person talks.  At this point, the customer will have a hard enough time listening to one person using one voice and tone much less several.  Not to mention a person who is yelling in public will likely not be quickly or easily calmed down.  This is is especially true if they have an audience of other customers/clients/visitors, and she did.

Regardless of what she was upset about, this is what should have happened-

• If safe, a manager/supervisor (or any staff that seems to have a repartee with them) should approach the person and in a calm voice ask them to step outside or into another office to talk about the issue.
• If they refuse, they should be asked to leave.  Call 911.  They are now trespassing.  Check your state and local laws about issuing a barred letter.
• If they agree to go somewhere and talk, take them to a place away from others but where another staff can see you.
• Ask them to tell you the whole story from the beginning.  This allows them to blow off steam and forces them to breathe.  The combination of being heard and getting more oxygen to the brain will aid in calming them down.  While they are talking, do not interrupt.  Typically the longer they talk the calmer they will get.  During this time, if you can get them to sit the results will occur even faster. Whether you are standing or sitting with them, make sure you are not face to face.  If at a desk, they should be seated at the side and not across the desk.  Standing next to them gives the perception that you are on their side against the world.
• Avoid telling them that they are wrong in any way.  They will not see it that way and will block out anything else you say.
• Ask them what they want or need.  If you can do it, do it.  If not, tell them so and let them know what you can offer.

To reiterate, if they refuse to walk to talk or you believe they pose a physical threat to others, 911 should be called.  Do not make a mistake of engaging in a back and forth with them.  It will only escalate things and get others involved.  

All staff should be trained to deal with these situations.  As soon as someone raises their voice, staff should intervene and attempt the above listed points to deescalate.  

Several months ago, I had given my card to one of the managers of the donation center and explained what I do.  Of course, they had no interest.

In this case, it turned out to be about the wait in line.  They spoke to her and she was calmed down a little bit, but through the entire donation process continued to be loud and belligerent as she attempted to recruit other donors for her cause.  What she and every other donor who saw what happened learned was that there is no standard of conduct in the donation center and bad behavior is accepted and tolerated.  Others in the waiting room or after that donation probably chose not to return.  We will never know.

This is all part of doing business and dealing with the public.  If you do not plan by having procedures in place, you are planning to fail.  That can mean anything from loss of customers to violence in your place of business.

"They were targeting moms because they don't like to make a scene"

Few stories I have ever read provide a better example of why we teach Awareness, Avoidance, and Aggression and in that order.  Many violent assaults begin with contact that is non-threatening and considered "normal".   Also provided here is a unique look at post incident psychological issues resulting in what those not involved brush off with a "get over it" mentality.  
Originally posted on the San Diego Reader

Rachel looks like a soccer mom.  On most days her minivan is cluttered with backpacks and sports gear.  Leftover Goldfish and Cheerios are ground into the floorboards.  When dropping her kids off at school in the morning, Rachel often sweeps her long blond hair into a messy bun at the nape of her neck.  Read more .....

Biting-effective in the worst situations

Ronald Poppo, the victim of the "Miami Cannibal"

Boys will be boys and when they roughhouse, with some exceptions, while wrestling around there are unspoken rules.  You don't punch me in the balls, or try to choke me, and I won't punch you in the balls, or choke you.  An attempt at doing either of these things will quickly escalate a fight or end it.  Beyond pre-school you seldom see any biting.  At the age of knowing right and wrong we are hard wired not to bite other people.

If you talk to people that put their hands on people for a living like cops, corrections officers, and bouncers, they can tell you tons of stories of people wrestling, kicking, and punching them, but few stories about being bit.  There will be some, and they will stand out because it does not happen that often.  From experience I can tell you that even when someone tries to bite you, you have a very primitive response that I can only liken to being attacked by bees.

Because it is so rare, biting provokes a extreme panic response, making it an excellent go to for

Typical bite to the forearm 

kids, women, elderly and disabled.  These people are prayed on because they are identified as weak by the predator.  They are creatures of habit, just like us and tend to pick the low hanging fruit, people that they expect little to no fright from.  Because they underestimate their victims, they will likely take less care in how much they expose themselves than they would to a regular person.

Regardless of age, size, or infirmity, peoples mouth usually still works.  But unless you cross the mental barrier in your mind against biting someone, you will not think of doing it even when your life depends on it.

Any bite is a good bite to attempt escape, but I would suggest the face, neck, hands and inner arms.  The face, neck and hands are likely to be exposed no matter what the weather is and will be easy targets during any attempted sexual assault.

To effectively bite you should bite into exposed flesh if possible, taking as big as a bite as possible and rip a chunk out as if you were biting into a steak.  Most attackers will probably be no stranger to being hit, or even shot and stabbed, there is a very low probability that they have ever suffered a human bite.  This will quickly become their focus and they will likely be overcome with shock.  Keep in mind that it is a last ditch effort to save your like, because if you fail, they are going to pretty angry.

Experience tells us that children often don't realize they are being abducted until it is over.  When women are abducted they are often frozen with fear.  In both cases this fear changes form and as the abduction moves to where the predator feels save to abuse and kill them.  The transport time to this location, and while at the location may provide some "thinking" time for the victim to realize they need to take action.

Again I will say, if there are certain people in your life that you think this information would be the most beneficial too, be sure to share it with them ahead of time, they will not think of it on their own.

While looking for pictures for this post I found many that I was not comfortable posting because I know that someone may be reading over your shoulder and the pictures are too graphic.  You can search on your own if you need further convincing that biting can be a great equalizer and save someones life.

Yes, I am aware that biting someone could expose you to disease.  That is why biting is only advised when your life is in danger.

What happened in Orlando & best practices for patrons and clubs

With everyone commenting on the tragedy in Orlando I wanted to chime in as well.  We are going to talk about the things that nobody else is covering.  While everyone is talking about the gunman and the police response we will cover the victims themselves and what the club could have done to prevent or limit the carnage.

When something like this happens and I make a comment about how frequenting certain places increases your exposure to danger, people’s reaction is that this is America and people should be able to where they want.  The truth is that they can as long as they are willing to accept the risk.

The top three ingredients for increased risk are people, alcohol, and confined spaces.  The biggest danger is typically fire resulting in a large number of people trying to get out the same door at the same time.  The panic can lead to bottlenecks that trap people in the smoke and fire, or in this case gunfire.

Whenever you enter a structure you need to immediately identify an exit other than the way you came in.  In an emergency people will intuitively rush to the door they came in.  While they are doing that you exit a back or side door.   This should be your response to any danger at all from smoke to gunshots.  The longer you stay in a confined space with other people, especially intoxicated people, the smaller the chance you will escape uninjured or escape at all.  This one simple habit will save more people than anything else you could do.  It should be noted that the tactic of the majority of active shooters is to rush in and shoot all the fish in the barrel.   You would be hard pressed to find an incident where the shooter followed people out of the structure or another shooter was outside.  The more room you have to move the safer you will be.

As previously mentioned this was probably not the habit of many of the club goers at Pulse.  It has to be done upon entry before your senses are dulled by alcohol, especially in places like clubs that can be full of smoke, lights, and noise.

The fact that in addition to the 50 killed 52 were wounded ,but have survived so far tells me that first aid was provided by other patrons, and not first responders.   One federal educational mandate that I could get behind would be that every student in every school start being trained in basic first aid in kindergarten.  Once they get to six grade they should all be certified in CPR and First Aid with a refresher every one or two years.  Think about how much better the outcomes would be for all types of injuries as well as lives saved.   I also have no doubt that lives could have been saved if people knew how to treat a gunshot wound, apply a tourniquet, or treat for shock.  When these incidents occur people die while waiting for first responders.

Now onto the responsibility of the bar.  The majority of our instructors are experienced doormen aka bouncers.  Besides staffing, one of the services we provide is site assessment of all types of business including bars and clubs.
Most places, especially ones that don’t have a history of any issues do not want to spend any money on security staff, especially when they find out that we never work alone and all of our details require a minimum of two people.

Bars and clubs are in the business to make money.  This is done with cover charges, and  the sale of alcohol and food.  A successful bar is busy and staff is concentrating on getting food and alcohol out to customers.  Not only is safety and security not their job they are not trained for it.  They would be about as successful as I would behind the bar.  We see the venue with a different lens.
Not unlike sheepdogs we watch over the customers and staff, looking for anything that does not feel right.  We couple experience with intuition which we act before a problem becomes crystal clear, or it has already happened.  There was a case in Dillsburg PA last year where a murder suicide occurred at a bar.  From all accounts it occurred with little warning and two people were dead in minutes.  Although security may not have been able to stop it.  In the aftermath they could have controlled the aftermath by providing first aid, helping people exit, securing the scene, and working with the police.

Nothing has been said in the news, as least not yet, about what security staff if any Pulse had.  What I can say is that they absolutely had a responsibility to have one.  There should have been staff on the doors not only to scan people coming in but also to lock the front doors to keep the gunman out.  A properly trained security staff could have rushed the shooter, helped people get out and provided first aid.  They would also have been able to provide the police with the tactical information they needed.

You are probably wondering why I have not listed the officer outside as security.  The reason is that he wasn’t.  The cop on the outside was like a fire extinguisher.  It does not give you the right to play with fire.   Estimates are that there were 300+ people in the club.  What can an officer on the outside do to control anything that occurs in the club?  Nothing until it gets so bad it spills into the street and at that point he will need to call more officers.

It is all about best practices and prevention.  If you cannot handle a fight you cannot handle an active shooter.  You cannot take a customer that you are fond of and pay him $10 an hour to sit on the door and check IDs.  You need trained professionals, we along with other companies around the country provide professionals.

At this point I will let other people talk about the police response.  People will harp on this because they don’t want to put any of the responsibility on the club itself.  It would be interesting to see the layout of the club, how they did on past fire inspections, and see what their security plan was of if they had one at all.  It is no different than expecting the police to control what goes on in your house.  It gets to the point where you cannot control it, and call the police only to complain that they could not fix your problem.

Here are some simple best practices in the case of an emergency in a club.  They cost nothing and could save lives-

• All house lights are turned on, lasers etc. are turned off.
• All music is turned off.
• DJ’s gives directions to exit the venue and other information
• All staff carries a whistle in case of emergency, three short blasts signal other staff of emergency and to carry out the security plan.

Again, our thoughts and prayers go out to all those effected and our hearts go out to them.

For more information call 717-693-2085 or e-mail us.

Awareness skills for your kids

Because I talk so much about awareness, it comes as no surprise that one of the most common questions I receive is from parents wanting to know how to work on awareness with their kids.  This is a tough question because of kids maturing at different ages.  In this article, I will try to provide some ideas and talking points for you and your kids.

Awareness is quite a buzzword in the tactical world, but there seems to be a problem defining it.  Here is how we do it.  There are three types of awareness: self awareness, situational awareness, and team awareness.  The ideas below are intended for kids from around 3-10 years old.

Self Awareness-   Teach kids to be aware of their limits and stay within them.  For example, if they are not yet comfortable swimming in the deep end of the pool, don’t be coaxed there by other kids.  It is not just about child molesters.  It is about over all safety.  Many bad situations that adults and children encounter could be avoided by not getting in over their head.

Situational Awareness- Kids possess great intuition, but it is most likely to be interpreted as fear, and that is OK as long as they are encouraged to act on it.  When we are scared, a natural response is to retreat to a safe place or person.  Let your kids know that this is natural and everyone, including adults, have it.  This will encourage them to immediately act on it.  If something does not feel right, it’s probably not.  Especially with little ones, don’t try to be too specific with scenarios.  Just let them know that when they are afraid of something or someone that they should remove themselves from the situation.  Fear, probably our most primal and powerful response, sometimes has the ability to paralyze adults, so we should not expect anything different from our kids.  One of the most effective ways to combat this is by breathing, and a good way to encourage that is verbalization.  Ask your child what they would say if they were approached by an adult who was known to them but asked them to do something they were uncomfortable with such as going to the bathroom with them.  Ask them what they would say if they were at a friend’s house at a pool party and they saw their friend's Dad taking pictures of them while they were changing.  Ask them what they would do if someone followed them into a bathroom stall at Wal Mart.  Don’t be surprised if they say they don’t know.  This will open a dialog between you, not only about what they should say but what action to take.  It is my opinion that we spend too much time worrying about our kids being molested by the Boogeyman and too little time talking about the reality of people they know putting them in uncomfortable situations.  Child predators are insidious and often test the water with kids to see what they can get away with.  Kids need permission to decisively respond to anything that they are uncomfortable with.  

Team Awareness- Encourage your kids to immediately respond to you.  Because dangerous situations don’t occur every day, your response to them is going to be unusual requiring you to say and do things that you normally wouldn’t.  Your kids know you well enough that when you use a tone that they are not familiar with, there is something going on.  Our kids are separated by three years.  We always made them responsible for their younger brother or sister, as we were for them.  We enforced this by the way we held hands.  This is very helpful for the Mom that has to load several kids into the minivan.  The older kids serve as lookouts when Mom is fixated on the little ones.  You will be surprised how aware they become when you tell them you need them to be.  Explain to them that bad things can happen even when you are all together and having fun and how important it is for them to immediately do as you say, especially out of the house.  You should have no problem coming up with a few scenarios to role play to make your point.

As with all tools and tactics, it comes down to time and opportunity to use them.  Based on my experience with my own kids, nieces and nephews, and as a Scout leader, I would say that it is around 6-7 that kids start squirming out from under our thumbs.  It is at that time that they will be exposed to other adults without us always being there.  Most often in the way of  a sports team, Scouts, first sleep overs, etc.  As I have discussed before, I find biting to be the most reliable tool for kids this age to defend themselves against adults.  It is intuitive, primal, and effective.  Just be sure that they realize that they cannot overpower an adult and not to waste valuable time trying to do so when they need to get away.

This short article is not intended to be the final word on training your kids, but rather some ideas to open a dialog with them.  Letting them know that being afraid of certain situations and people is a natural gift goes a long way in ensuring that they will act on their feeling, something most adults fail to do.

Protective Strategies for Mom's with kids

This topic gets asked about during classes, so I figured I would post about it.  In many families Dad is seen as the protector, but the protector can only protect when he is around.  The reality is that Mom is the one who is always hauling kids around.

Moms are always going to be the #1 protector of the kids simply because of the amount of time they have them.  Self-defense skills are great, but even the good ones are more for protecting yourself and maybe other adults, not kids who are going to be a hindrance during any altercation, instead of an asset.

The first things for Mom has to be mindset.  The mindset needs to be that you are a bodyguard.  When we hear bodyguard, we think of a highly trained guy protecting someone by force.  The truth is, and any bodyguard will tell you, that if they have to use force at all, they view it as a failure.  Their two biggest tools are Awareness, and Avoidance, not Aggression.  Making a habit out of the first two is a good thing. Making a habit out of the latter is not.

The things a Mom with kids needs to be safe are time, space, and movement.  As hard as it can be, that means giving you extra time.  For example, when going for a doctor’s appointment, give yourself some extra time to circle the parking lot.  By doing so, there is a good chance that you may find a parking space closer or in a more populated area.  That means less ground cover with the kids which equals less exposure, or less chance of being approached because of witnesses.

The number one key to survival is the ability to move away from a threat.  This means if you are holding a little one, or have one by the hand, and for some reason feel confined or that your movement is otherwise being restricted, make a habit out of moving.  Never put yourself in a position where you are boxed in.  For example, when you take the kids to a restaurant, do your best to always sit close to an exit, especially one that you can see where it leads to.  At the first sign of a threat, grab your kids and get out.  

Now for the big one, putting kids in car seats.  During daylight is less of an issue to park around other cars, but at night it provides cover for criminals.  You want to remove someone’s ability to sneak up on you while you have your back turned buckling in the kids.  If possible, try to park in such a way that you are not surrounded by other vehicles.  When the situation dictates, you should always have a flashlight to look around the perimeter of your vehicle to see if anyone is around or in it before you approach.  Another sound habit is to hit your panic alarm for a few seconds.  This can get a would be bad guy to leave, while at the same time attracting witnesses to you.  It is good to be heard and seen.  Take a look around, knowing how long it takes you to get the kids settled in the car, how close is the nearest cover for a bad guy to sneak up on you?

Put your older kids in the car first and tell them to be the eyes in the back of your head.  They can let you know if anyone is walking up behind you.  This is also a good life habit for them.

As for the aggression part of the equation, that is something Mothers are born with.  Just remember that you don’t want to fight the attacker, you want to stop the attack.  Because of the kids, it is likely not an option for you to run away, or if you do it will take time.  Your counter attack must overwhelm, shock, and stun the attacker.  The best way to do this is by attacking the face with your hands or hopefully something like a pen or flashlight.  Do your best to smash the eyes, nose, and mouth with repeated strikes.  If the opportunity presents itself, use your instep to scrape down their shin before stomping the bottom of your foot onto the top of theirs.  If you have the opportunity to slam a door on them, or smash their head into a vehicle or wall, do so and do it repeatedly until you can safely get away.

In most cases, it is not the kids they want, you will be targeted because they know you are distracted by the kids.  You need to realize that you are the last line of defense and that if you get knocked out, or removed, your kids will be alone or unprotected.

Remember 911 is for reporting an emergency, not preventing one.  That is up to you.

People don't like being told "no" & how to deal with them Part I- Setting the hook

Over the years, as a police officer and bouncer, I have suffered the unpleasant reactions of many when I told them "NO".  They have ranged from awkward smiles and compliance, to people going to jail and parking lot fights.  Let's take a look at why that small two letter word enrages people.

Just think about how many times you hear 'NO" from birth through childhood. People of authority, first your parents, other family, and then teachers tell you "NO" thousands of times.  Except for the teachers, only those people can follow up their command with physical force ranging from dragging you away from a display to a spanking.  As a kid, when you hear "NO" it is usually denying you food or continuing a certain behavior.  Depending on whether or not it was done with love can make a huge difference in the way that a person will react to that word as an adult.  More and more these day you have the total opposite.

You also have people both rich and poor who are not used to being told "NO" or that there are no consequences to not complying.  Once an adult, except for the police, there are few people that can legally back up being told "NO" with physical force.  So for most people, myself included, "NO" basically means that I need to find another way to accomplish my goal.  When someone tells me "NO", I don't get angry, I typically look for a way to "go around" them to get my needs met.  We all do this.  It is basically a survival instinct.  Here is the problem.  I am a peaceful,  relatively sensible person.  Not high on drugs or alcohol,  pretty much free of mental illness.  This means that in any situation I am able to quickly evaluate my options and choose those that will not draw unwanted attention to myself, or in anyway harm other people, including the person that told me "NO". Both my professional and personal life are stable.  Unfortunately, the reasons I have described above that minimize the chance of me even raising my voice to someone who tells me "NO" are often absent from many in our society.  People seem to be stressed out more than ever, and depending on what you are denying them by telling them "NO", no matter how insignificant it may be to you, may to them be life and death. You never know where on a persons path you are meeting them or what is going on in their life.  Try to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but be prepared for anything.

The bottom line is that from bouncer to bartender, and from receptionist to flight attendant, if you work with the public you are going to have to tell people "NO". They are not going to like it.  In some cases, now more than ever, they can escalate to physical violence.  How do you minimize and mitigate that reality? First of all, you need to become a student of human behavior.

First of all, try to get a "hook" with everyone you encounter.  A hook. as I was taught in my time as a Crisis Negotiator, is something you can use to relate to a person in crisis that has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  Notice I said everyone, and not just while you are working.  We all do this to an extent, but you need to cultivate it.  This is the first step in learning to create a fast mental profile of everyone you meet.  Soon it will become second nature.  Here are some of my favorite hooks.

Learn symbolism-  do you know what a Masonic symbol looks like?  How about the Alcoholics Anonymous symbols?  You will see these on people and vehicles.  If you see a symbol you are not familiar with, research it, or better yet ask the person.  In most cases, they will be happy to tell you all about it.  Now not only have you identified a hook, but you have used it to engage in dialogue.

Clothing- some people just throw clothes on, but most people are trying to tell you something.  Take notice of what it says on their hoodie or hat.  Is it a sports team?  A Veterans organization?  As a Veteran, I never pass up a chance to thank someone for their service after identifying them from what they wear or what they say.

Language-  Just about every profession has a language all to itself.  If you are at a convenience store getting coffee and two people come in together and you overhear them using phrases that you are not familiar with, ask them what they do.  Believe me, they will tell you.

Brands- even though I am a man, I am relativity familiar with brands of women's clothes.  I developed this while working as a doorman at a pub at a high end golf course.  The same is true for vehicles.  Ask any guy about his car, truck, or motorcycle and you will not be able to shut him up.  For some odd reason, I also know a fair amount about men's boots.

Locations- where you encounter people says a lot about them.  If you are at a ball game and they are all decked out in the home team's jersey and hat, there is a good chance they are more than a casual fan.  Sports fans love to talk about their teams.

After a while of practicing and noticing these and other hooks, both personally and professionally, you will soon be putting them to use in your daily life.  It is no different than when I compliment on how good my wife's hair looks before I tell the garage bill on my motorcycle ended up being more than expected.  It might not totally protect me, but it will soften the blow...I hope.

To make hooks valuable, especially in a customer service application, you need to identify them and use them upon first contact.  It will hopefully lead to a little small talk before business, allowing you to build a rapport with the person. Getting them to talk for a minute about the hook you have identified can be like giving them a verbal Xanax.  Now, if you need to deny them something, they will be less likely to escalate, at least on you, because in their mind you "know each other".

Part II  - Deescalating angry people.

Don't leave personal information in plain sight

You are probably thinking to yourself, what a crappy picture to use in a blog post.  Well there is a guy walking around who has no idea how lucky he is that I saw this on his front seat and snapped a blurry picture and just walked away.

For a while now I have had been planning on writing an article on not leaving things like your mail and ID card visible in your vehicle.  But today while getting my morning coffee...one of the holy grail for bad guys and identity thieves, a blank check exposed on the front seat of a vehicle.  Here is how easy it is to gather information from things that people unknowingly share with you. Understand that I did not read the information on the checks, just took the blurry picture to illustrate my point.

• I know his name
• I know his wife's name
• I know his address
• I know what bank he uses
• I know his routing number

I waited to see who got in the vehicle so now-

• I know what he looks like and what he drives
• I have his license plate
• I know this is his vehicle and if it's not at his house, neither is he

Luckily he did not have any of those "family" stickers on the back of his truck where people tell you how many kids they have and often their names.  This would have given me the first and last names of his kids.  I might have even known if he had a dog or not.

When he came out, I could see that he had left his vehicle unlocked.  I could have just taken those checks, not all of them, just some from the back so that it took a while for him to notice, giving me time to write a few.

This all happened in minutes.  I sure hope I am the only one who looked in his vehicle.  In today's world, it is easy to get information on people.  That does not mean you should give it away for the world to see.  

What do you do if someone is following you?

This is one of the most asked questions in our courses.  The key is not to over think it while at the same time not to minimize the threat.  Here is your goal-

Not to let them come in physical contact with you before the police come in physical contact with them.

Here are some ways to accomplish just that-

• Recognize if someone is following you by making four consecutive right turns.  This will bring you back to the same place, so you will know they are following you.
• Stay calm
• Put your flashers and lay on your horn as much as you can to attract attention.
• Call 911 and tell them where you are.  It is best to give a landmark just ahead of you, businesses are the easiest.  For example, "I am on Rt 40 East approaching the train station"
• Do not stop driving no matter how slow.  Movement will keep you alive.  Even if they crash into you, continue to drive as long as the vehicle is driveable.  Be prepared to drive over things like low curbs and landscaping if you need to, but keep moving.
• If possible, it is OK to drive through busy areas with lots of people, but don't stop.  A dedicated attacker will not let that stop him from attacking you.
• DO NOT lead them to your house.  First of all, this would cause you to stop, endanger your loved ones, and let them know where you live even if they drive off.
• People will often say to drive to the police station.  During the hours of darkness, it is likely only the front lobby is open and if there is a dispatcher they are protected by bullet proof glass.  If you have not been in contact with them, there is a good chance there will not be any officers at the station.  If you burst in running from someone, you will initially be considered a threat as well.

The best case scenario is that police are able to intercept you and get between you and the person following you and conduct a traffic stop.  If this happens and they stop, drive a safe distance away to separate yourself from the scene.  If for some reason you are blocked in by the police or physical barrier and they have him stopped, you need to decide whether it is better to jump out and get behind something that will stop bullets such as a concrete structure or vehicle, or sink down in your seat to make your body a smaller target and put the most metal between you and them.

Hopefully it never gets to this point or you are not followed at all.  If you are and at some point they drive away, get a good description of the driver and the vehicle.  If you cannot easily remember the license plate number, concentrate on make, model, body damage, and identifiers such as bumper stickers. 

Thinking through scenarios in your head will prepare you for real life emergencies.

The ugly truth about pepper spray

Next time you run into a cop ask him when was the last time he took a report of someone using pepper spray to defend themselves.  He will likely give you a blank stare and say never.  He might bring up that he has take reports of it being used as a robbery tool by those not wanting to get caught carrying a gun.

This is strange because we see pepper spray everywhere.  We see it for sale, we see it dangling on many a woman's key ring.  The success of marketing pepper spray is unrivaled in the world of self defense.  The biggest companies argue over who has the best product, but try calling them to get actual documented stories about citizens using their product during an actual assault.

When considering using any tool for self defense we consider four things in a logical progression; selection, carry, deployment, and use.  Pepper Spray fails miserably in all but selection.

Selection-  there are some brands out there that have developed products that will melt your eyes and have you choking and gagging for hours.  They even have stuff that is marketed for use on bears.  So for the sake of argument we have a can of the best product on the market.

Carry-  Look at your life as 100%, you would want something you could carry all the time right?  How often do you have to go to your children's school, government buildings, or fly?  The carrying of pepper spray is restricted in these areas.  So, lets just say you are down to 70%.  You will likely not carry it on you at home or at work in office environment.  So now, down to around the 30% of the time when you are not in a restricted area or in an area where you are relatively comfortable you will not need it.  In places where you are most likely to need it, between structures and and walking to and from you vehicle it is usually buried in your purse or pocket.

Deployment-  Unless you make a habit of walking around with it in your hand you will need to deploy it in anticipation of an attack or once an attack has started.  During the stress of a physical attack with your pulse racing above 200 BPM, you will need to locate your pepper spray and manipulate the safety and target your attacker.  Keep in mind that the majority of attacks, especially against women will come from the rear.

Use-  You have your pepper spray in your hand and have deactivated the safety.  Is there a breeze, are you or your attacker moving,  are you close enough for the spray to hit your attacker?  Are you prepared for your reaction to getting the spray blown back in your face or the falling forward into it?  Do you wear contacts?  Are you prepared for the chemicals in the spray to bond them to your eyes  If you are close to your vehicle how will you be able to drive?  How will you be able to use a cell phone?  What if you have your children with you, if you can't see how will you protect them?

The #1 key to survival is movement.  To use pepper spray effectively you must stand still, be close enough to your attacker for the spray to reach him,   Is it realistic to think that either you our your attacker will stand still during an attack.

The takeaway is that if you are not in physical contact with your attacker you should run.  If you are in physical contact with your attacker you should use an improvised weapons such as a pen or flashlight, or your natural weapon such as your fists, elbows, and knees to attack the weak points of your attacker such as the face, neck, hands, feet, and groin.  Only remain in contact long enough to disable your attacker so that you can get away.  

Don't trust your life to spray in a can!

Three things that everyone should carry all the time.

Regardless of age or work environment, there are three things that everyone should have one them all the time: a whistle, a banana, and a flashlight, and here's why.

Whistle- our world is so full of ringtones, buzzes, beeps, and other noise that few noises are capable of getting attention.  Unless you are on a sports field, you seldom if ever here a whistle.  Signaling is key in an emergency situation whether you are in the woods or a dark parking garage.  Three short blasts is the international sign for distress.  They can offer piece of mind when allowing young ones to use a public bathroom or when the family is at large outdoor events such as amusement parks.  Let them known it is only to be used in case of an emergency, they will be more mature about it than you think.  When you hear that whistle you will know it is your child.

Bandanna - easy enough to fold up and keep in any pocket.  There are tons of uses for them but there are three primary ones we are concerned about.  The first is as a visual signaling device.  The second is as an improvised dust or smoke mask.  Last is as an improvised tourniquet.  Using a pen as a windlass (cylindrical item) that is used to wind the tourniquet tight and you might be able to save yours, or someone else's life.

Flashlight- once you start carrying one you will not believe how often you use it.  This can also be used as a visual signal but more importantly allow you to find your way to navigate during an emergency situation or find your way to a light switch on the other side of the room.  Another great idea when attending big events with the family is to get everyone a different color Photon Micro Lights and to clip it on their person, makes finding your group easy.

These three simple inexpensive things go a a long way for preparing your for emergencies both big and small.

Where to sit in a restaurant?

Always be the last person in and first out of a room

• Forces you to turn around to get into your vehicle lessening the chances of anyone sneaking up behind you and forcing you into your vehicle.
• Makes it easier to tow or jump start your vehicle.
• Allows you to see anyone coming towards you while seated in the vehicle.

It can be hard enough to focus on personal safety when we are alone.  What about when we are with our family?  Whether a parent with a child, or an adult with an aging parent, you are responsible for the safety of another person. You have to put their needs and weaknesses ahead of your own.  This is not unlike the Secret Service, which is tasked with the well being of all types of government officials.  What can we learn from them to help us protect our own?

At the foundation of the MCS Mindset, there are three As.  They are Awareness, Avoidance, and Aggression.  The funny thing about the last A, Aggression, is that the need for it can often be totally removed by developing the subconscious use of Awareness and Avoidance.  These two things are what the Secret Service does better than anyone else in the world.   Even though they have the tools and training to use aggression, having to do so to them would be considered a failure. It would mean that they failed to effectively use Awareness and Avoidance.   How can you harvest the full potential of the concepts as an ordinary citizen? Let's break it down.

First off there are three types of Awareness-

Self  Awareness-  In other words, making the conscious decision to take a moment before walking out the door everyday to be truthful about how you are doing both physically and mentally.  As mentioned, it is one thing to be prepared to plan for your own safety compared to someone elses.

Team Awareness- (which is the focus of this article) is being realistic when it comes to the the abilities of those you are with.  Everyone is somewhere on the sliding scale between being an asset or a liability.  If you are a Mom moving with an infant, that infant is a liability when it comes to both of your safety.  Primarily this is because the key to safety is often the ability to move and move fast. Obviously this is much harder to do with an infant in tow.

If you have read this far, you are the self selected team leader of your family and probably anyone else you find yourself out and about with.  This makes it imperative that you be realistic about your team's strengths and weaknesses and plan accordingly.

Situational Awareness-  when talking about awareness, this is what most people will say.  The problem is that being aware of your situation is worthless unless you are capable of using the information to your advantage.  There are tons of articles out there detailing things such as pre-assault indicators.  It is good to be able to recognize these things but even better if you have a plan about what to do if you encounter them.  If you encounter this situation and you are alone, the best option is always to get out of the area as fast as you can.  But, what if it happens in the confines of an emergency room when you are there with an aging parent in a wheelchair?

You need to be constantly gathering information on people, places, and things that can impact your safety.

Now that we have you thinking about Awareness and all it entails, let's talk about using the information you are now constantly gathering and how to use it to Avoid things that are likely to effect your safety...the skill of Avoidance.

Any and all situations are like an act in a play.  They all contain a setting, scene, and actors.  It is common sense that certain scenes are more likely to play out in certain settings, thus those places are to be avoided.  Doing so decreases the chances of that type of scenario effecting you or your family's well being.

Of course we know that anything can happen anywhere, so at all times you need to recognize your "out".  Envision the Secret Service stuffing a dignitary into a limousine at the first sign of any disturbance, even if it does not directly effect them.  They don't sit around to wait and see what happens.  They refuse to participate as actors in the scene.  This should be your mindset as well.  This means habitually doing things such as-

Leaving room between you and the vehicle in front of you so you can drive around if something happens.

Sitting next to the exit in a restaurant.

Backing into or pulling through parking spaces so that you can leave in a hurry.

Trusting your intuition and acting on it before things become totally clear.

Put this information to work and create good habits.  It is the little things you do everyday that can keep you and your family alive.

Maryland High School shooting, one dead, possibly domestic related

A shooting at High Point High School in Beltsville, Maryland, has left one person dead and another injured.

Mark Brady, public information officer for the Prince George’s County Fire Department, confirmed that two people had been shot Thursday.

One victim suffered injuries that were not life-threatening, and another died on the scene, he told The Huffington Post.

The shooting occurred hours after school was dismissed at 2:15 p.m. Police identified the dead victim as an adult, and noted on Twitter that the shooting appears to be a “domestic incident.”  Follow here

Katy TX- Man who had been terminated returns and kills co-worker and himself

KATY, TX (KTRK) --
A man dismissed last month from a Houston-area transportation company stormed into the facility and opened fire on Wednesday, fatally shooting a former co-worker and injuring two others before turning the gun on himself, saying his life had been ruined, sheriff's officials said.  Read more......

Falling...a matter of life and death

In the past few weeks I have heard of at least two people who were killed in altercations.  What do these two people have in common?  Both were killed when during the altercation, as a result of physical contact, they fell backwards and struck their head resulting in their death.

 The first was Amy Inita Joyner- Francis, the 16 year old in Delaware whose head struck a sink in the girl’s bathroom during a fight.  The second was the relative of a friend.  A bunch of guys were on a party bus and two became involved in a disagreement that turned into a fight when they got off the bus.  The relative of my friend tried to get between them and was either struck or pushed back which caused him to fall backwards, ultimately striking his head and killing him instantly.  In both cases, the deceased knew the people involved.  I also doubt that in either case the people doing the punching and pushing had intended to kill anyone.

One study suggests that your lifetime risk of dying in a fall is 1 in 269, while the suggested risk of dying as a result of being struck by or against another person is 1 in 58,689.  I have always wondered why we do not teach kids how to fall as soon as they can comprehend instruction and continue it throughout their schooling as part of physical education.

Only the martial arts that stem from Ju Jitsu such as a Judo and Aikido have a foundation of falling.  In other arts you will fall or get knocked down but they don’t offer much in the way of showing you how to do it to prevent injury.

In all of our defensive classes, whether they be police/corrections or office workers, we teach Vertical Stabilization and how to fall.  Keep in mind that many people may already have physical limitations that prevent them from even falling on mats.  The reality is that your inability or unwillingness to train for a situation has no impact on it happening. 

Vertical Stabilization- if you have early indication that an attack is imminent and you cannot escape, attempt to be close to or up against a vertical object such as a wall or vehicle.  The less distance you travel before making contact with the vertical surface or the ground means less time for momentum to build.  Less momentum equals less injury.  When up against a vertical surface, you never want to be at a 90 degree angle with your shoulders against the surface.  This increases the possibility that the back of your head could strike the surface.  This is the worst case scenario because a blow to the back of the head, especially at the base of your skull, is likely to cause serious physical injury or death. 

If possible, the only part of your body that should be against the surface is your hip, usually your dominant side.  Not only is this a very stable position to stay on your feet from, but it puts the most distance between your head and the surface.  Even if only your shoulder is against the wall, your head is still protected from hitting the wall because it would have to overcome the distance between your shoulder and the wall.  The bottom line is STAY ON YOUR FEET AT ALL COSTS.

If you cannot avoid it-

    Don’t fight it…the more you flail and struggle to stay up, the more momentum you gain.  The longer your path to the ground, the more likely you are to encounter other objects.  This often leads to broken ribs.

    Collapse- do your best to just fall in place, again preventing momentum.

      Fall on your side- not your butt which can cause paralysis, or on your back which will eventually cause you to hit your head.  Again, this will prevent you from hitting your head because your head would have to overcome the distance between your shoulder and the wall.


      Exhale and close your teeth together- only in inflated ball bounces, hard to get the air knocked out of you when you don’t have any.  Be sure to put your teeth together so as not to accidentally bite the end of your tongue off

   Get up as soon as you can- if this happens during an assault.  If it is a result of an accidental fall, stay in place and call for help if possible.

If you are unable to train even by putting some couch cushions or a mattress on the floor, at least go through these key points in your head…before you need them.

Domestic Violence- Between the honeymoon and the hurt

Maybe it is my age, but more and more I have conversations with clients, friends, and acquaintances who have survived domestic violence.  I note my age because they are now in stable, loving relationships and discuss their ordeal like an incident of I survived.  

In a conversation not long ago, a friend told me how her first husband had thrown her down a flight of steps and caused her to miscarry.  They ad previously lost an infant at six months, what would be ruled a SIDS death, but both she and the police suspected her husband but could not prove it.  The miscarriage caused her to take action and get out.  This level of violence may seem shocking to you unless you have lived it or have investigated these cases.  In my experience, some of the things that women endure at the hands of their abuser is more torture than abuse.  The woman, often because of previous abuse in childhood or just one manipulative man, learns how to put on a happy face and go about her day. Instead of confiding in someone that can help her, she often goes to much greater lengths to conceal the truth than she would if she was the abuser.  This is how shame motivates.

People who are not in abusive relationships, including me early in my law enforcement career, often say "why doesn't she just leave".  Imagine right now, as you are sitting here today that you decide to just leave your life behind, because that is essentially what it is.  Not only that, but you are at your weakest emotional point ever.  Where would you go, what would you do with your kids, which stuff would you take, do you have your own vehicle, do you make enough to support yourself?  Plus dozens of other questions.  Now factor into that trying to avoid your spouse or significant other.  They know your friends and family. They know all about you.  You probably share a bank account, both of your names are on the lease mortgage, both on the vehicles.  You can quickly see how if you were feeling the best you ever have this would be very overwhelming at the least.

Then there is the knowledge that when you finally decide to leave, they will be angrier than ever and if he finds you the level of violence will be greater than ever and you are afraid he will kill you, your kids, friends, and family.  I hope by now you can see why women just resign themselves to living in hell,

Abuse from those that are supposed to love us the most is in my opinion the biggest issue in our culture.  It is hard enough to get over a being a onetime victim of a stranger, but being abused by someone you see everyday and knowing it will happen again tortures souls.  This is what fuels our nation's drug and alcohol problems, especially among women.

So in the case of domestic abuse, what are we to do?  Well the first thing is to admit and accept that you are solely responsible for your well being.  That means that at all times you need to protect yourself as a human being.  You do your best to stay away from stupid people, places, and things.

Even though we have spent billions and tried, domestic violence cannot be cured by laws and law enforcement.  If a fire gets out of control in your house, the fire department can come and put it out.  But if you make a habit of leaving oily rags in your garage or smoking in bed, they cannot save you from that, and eventually they will not make it in time.  It's up to you.

If the abuser is charged with domestic violence, or you have an exparte or protection from abuse against him, these things will not protect you.  Paper cannot protect you from a punch, much less death.  You have to make the decision that you will not be abused anymore.  Nobody has the right to hurt you no matter who they are or whatever relation they are to you.

You need training to protect yourself.  One of the first things we cover in class is use of force.  We have seen time and time again abused women go to prison because they killed their abuser when there was no imminent threat.  You cannot use force against someone based on what has happened in the past or may happen in the future.

So between the honeymoon and the next hurt, make your exit strategy and seek training on how to physically protect yourself from a bigger, stronger attacker. The foundation of this training cannot be a gun, knife, pepper spray, or any other mechanical tool, because you cannot have these things with you all the time. Make your decision to protect yourself today.

How domestic violence spills into the workplace....how to protect yourself

Like most police officers, I worked my fair share of domestics.  They were always one of the toughest types of calls to manage due to the emotions involved.  Years ago, police would just tell the couple to knock it off or find one of them somewhere else to go for the night.  That changed at some point and many states went to a preferred arrest policy in which if someone had marks on them that made the officers believe they were the victim, they were charged.  In my experience, this was about as useful as telling them to knock it off, but made the courts and lawyers some money and removed some of the liability from the police.

Since retiring and moving to the private sector in 2007, my work with businesses, as a bouncer, and with women in recovery has provided me with a much different perspective on domestic violence.  It is a social cancer that cannot be effectually dealt with by laws created to protect people and their property from strangers, not those they live with. As with molestation, if you talk to enough women candidly you will be shocked at how many of them have been the victim of sexual, physical, and psychological abuse at the hands of someone they were in a romantic relationship with.  Statistically this means that there is a good chance that there are one or more women that you interact with personally or professionally every day that is currently being abused.

Experience tells us that the most dangerous time for these women is when they make the decision to leave.  This is also the most dangerous time for their family, friends, and especially coworkers.  In many cases, most of their family and close friends know or have a very good idea what is going on and will be likely aware that the woman is in the process of leaving.  Not so for employers and coworkers.  Embarrassment is one of the biggest psychological issues that keep a woman from leaving.  Think about it, who would want their coworkers much less their boss knowing that they were being abused.  Over time they have perfected the art of putting on a happy face no matter what is going on at home because they need to earn a living.  The abuser knows this. One of the first things a woman has to figure out is where to hide while court papers are served or she figures out what her next move is.  The abuser knows this and that is why so many assaults and murders of abuse victims take place at the court house or the abused’s workplace.  The state of mind of the abuser by this point is that anyone who is friendly with the abused is working with her against him.

For someone that has been at a place of employment for any period of time, it is likely that their spouse is familiar with their coworkers and will attract little suspicion if they just happen to show up at work.  This is especially true at the start and end of the day or lunchtime when people are typically coming and going.

There are no shortage of stories in the news of coworkers being killed by the spouse of a coworker when they showed up to kill their spouse.  The question is how we avoid that.  Here are some quick tips-

·        Know that emotional baseline of everyone in your office.

·        Watch how they respond to the presence of their significant other.

·        Take note of how they relate to each other at company functions.

·        If you believe their life is in danger, report it to your boss.

Back to the embarrassment issue, even in cases where the woman has an ex parte order or a protection from abuse order against her spouse, they almost never share it with their boss or company security.  Part of the victimology of abuse victims is that they have been made to feel isolated to the point where they feel that nobody can help or protect them from the abuser.

If this information is shared with the employer, a balance must be struck between confidentiality and the welfare of those in the business place.  If your company does not have internal security, one of the managers should be serving as the liaison with the local police and hopefully have a specific point of contact with them.  Sometimes all it takes to create some peace of mind is to have an officer sit on the lot at the beginning and end of the day.  Due to manpower restrictions, you need to understand that this is not going to be an everyday thing and that they will often only do this if they deem the threat credible.

The overall well being of a workplace ultimately relies on the attitude of the employees about such things, not on their security or even the police.

In our next post we will discuss how to survive an active shooter if you are unarmed.

What you need to understand about calling 911

Every year, approximately 240,000 calls are made to 911 through over 6,000 call centers.  The FCC estimates that approximately 70% of those calls are from cell phones.  When 911 began in 1968, all phone numbers were tied to a physical address. Obviously, this is not the case anymore.  More and more homes do not even have a land line and solely rely on their cell phones.  Emergency communications professionals and the FCC are trying to play catch up, but admit that they are nowhere close and at best we have a patchwork of quick fixes.  In an emergency, the illusion of 911 being your security blanket could get you killed.

No matter where you are in the US, if you call 911, the first question you will hear is “where is your emergency”.  It is the single most vital piece of information you will need to provide.  In the best case scenario, you know where you are and help is on the way.  But, we know that best case scenarios cannot be counted on, especially in an emergency.  As required by the FCC, if you call 911 the GPS in your phone immediately turns on whether you had it turned on or not. If you cannot speak, or the call is dropped, the closest tower can sometimes provide the longitude and latitude of your location within 50 meters.  Notice that I said sometimes.  Even if it works and you are at a fixed location, they have been known to be a mile or more off.  You also need to understand that the tower does not give your elevation.  It is pinning you down to street level location.  If you are in an office building, not only can they not tell what floor you are on, but it is likely because of being in a building and up high that you are pinging between towers or not hitting any at all.

Like I said earlier, 911 was designed to send emergency services to fixed locations.  There is a high probability that when you call 911 on your phone you will be walking or driving.  If you are driving, your location is changing rapidly and you are going to be pinging against different towers.  In this case, if you cannot give your location because you don’t know where you are, because for an example you have been abducted, it is unlikely that emergency services will be able to keep up with you.

Something else that many don’t realize is that in most cases you cannot text 911. That means in a situation such as a burglar in your house, or an active shooter in your school, if you are hiding, trying to be quiet, you will need to try to call 911, and possibly alert the attacker to your hiding place.

Taking the above information into consideration, here is our advice-
• Don’t rush to call 911- Putting your head down to do so does not give you a “time out” from reality.  Just because you are on the phone does not mean you cannot get hit, shot, or struck by a car as you stumble around an accident scene.

• Call 911 when it is safe to do so- preferably from a fixed location where you don’t have to move from.  This is going to require you to take action to protect or treat yourself or someone else before calling 911.  A person will not start breathing or stop bleeding because you are calling 911.  If you don’t have personal protection and preparedness skill sets, now is the time to get them.

• Landmarks, landmarks, landmarks- from experience I can tell you that police will usually find a landmark faster than an address.  If you are in a vehicle, try to tell them what you are coming up to instead of what you just passed.  Even at that rate you will likely be past that point, continue to update if possible. Business names are easier to read at a distance than street signs.  If you cannot see any buildings, let them know roads you are coming up to.

• If you cannot talk- send a text to someone that you know will most likely answer.  The text should look something like this “CALL 911, ANYTOWN USA”  This is going to require them to call their local 911 and tell the dispatcher that they got a 911 text from someone in ANYTOWN USA.  They will have to put you in contact with that call center.  When they answer you back, you can say something along the lines of “201 EAST ELM ST 3RD FLOOR ACTIVE SHOOTER I AM IN A CLOSET”

• Giving information- whether talking or texting during an emergency, take a breath, think about what you are going to say and type before doing so.  Share as much information as possible with the least amount of words.  The longer the dispatcher is listening to you, the longer it takes for her to send the appropriate assets your way.  They can get the details as they have units heading in your direction.

• Texting pictures- if you find yourself in an unfamiliar building and can take a picture out of a window and text it, emergencies can use that to pin point your location.

Remember, even a successful call to 911 will only bring emergency services to something that has likely already occurred.  It does nothing to stop what has happened or is happening.  Prepare yourself accordingly.