Domestic Violence- Between the honeymoon and the hurt

Maybe it is my age, but more and more I have conversations with clients, friends, and acquaintances who have survived domestic violence.  I note my age because they are now in stable, loving relationships and discuss their ordeal like an incident of I survived.  

In a conversation not long ago, a friend told me how her first husband had thrown her down a flight of steps and caused her to miscarry.  They ad previously lost an infant at six months, what would be ruled a SIDS death, but both she and the police suspected her husband but could not prove it.  The miscarriage caused her to take action and get out.  This level of violence may seem shocking to you unless you have lived it or have investigated these cases.  In my experience, some of the things that women endure at the hands of their abuser is more torture than abuse.  The woman, often because of previous abuse in childhood or just one manipulative man, learns how to put on a happy face and go about her day. Instead of confiding in someone that can help her, she often goes to much greater lengths to conceal the truth than she would if she was the abuser.  This is how shame motivates.

People who are not in abusive relationships, including me early in my law enforcement career, often say "why doesn't she just leave".  Imagine right now, as you are sitting here today that you decide to just leave your life behind, because that is essentially what it is.  Not only that, but you are at your weakest emotional point ever.  Where would you go, what would you do with your kids, which stuff would you take, do you have your own vehicle, do you make enough to support yourself?  Plus dozens of other questions.  Now factor into that trying to avoid your spouse or significant other.  They know your friends and family. They know all about you.  You probably share a bank account, both of your names are on the lease mortgage, both on the vehicles.  You can quickly see how if you were feeling the best you ever have this would be very overwhelming at the least.

Then there is the knowledge that when you finally decide to leave, they will be angrier than ever and if he finds you the level of violence will be greater than ever and you are afraid he will kill you, your kids, friends, and family.  I hope by now you can see why women just resign themselves to living in hell,

Abuse from those that are supposed to love us the most is in my opinion the biggest issue in our culture.  It is hard enough to get over a being a onetime victim of a stranger, but being abused by someone you see everyday and knowing it will happen again tortures souls.  This is what fuels our nation's drug and alcohol problems, especially among women.

So in the case of domestic abuse, what are we to do?  Well the first thing is to admit and accept that you are solely responsible for your well being.  That means that at all times you need to protect yourself as a human being.  You do your best to stay away from stupid people, places, and things.

Even though we have spent billions and tried, domestic violence cannot be cured by laws and law enforcement.  If a fire gets out of control in your house, the fire department can come and put it out.  But if you make a habit of leaving oily rags in your garage or smoking in bed, they cannot save you from that, and eventually they will not make it in time.  It's up to you.

If the abuser is charged with domestic violence, or you have an exparte or protection from abuse against him, these things will not protect you.  Paper cannot protect you from a punch, much less death.  You have to make the decision that you will not be abused anymore.  Nobody has the right to hurt you no matter who they are or whatever relation they are to you.

You need training to protect yourself.  One of the first things we cover in class is use of force.  We have seen time and time again abused women go to prison because they killed their abuser when there was no imminent threat.  You cannot use force against someone based on what has happened in the past or may happen in the future.

So between the honeymoon and the next hurt, make your exit strategy and seek training on how to physically protect yourself from a bigger, stronger attacker. The foundation of this training cannot be a gun, knife, pepper spray, or any other mechanical tool, because you cannot have these things with you all the time. Make your decision to protect yourself today.