How domestic violence spills into the workplace....how to protect yourself

Like most police officers, I worked my fair share of domestics.  They were always one of the toughest types of calls to manage due to the emotions involved.  Years ago, police would just tell the couple to knock it off or find one of them somewhere else to go for the night.  That changed at some point and many states went to a preferred arrest policy in which if someone had marks on them that made the officers believe they were the victim, they were charged.  In my experience, this was about as useful as telling them to knock it off, but made the courts and lawyers some money and removed some of the liability from the police.

Since retiring and moving to the private sector in 2007, my work with businesses, as a bouncer, and with women in recovery has provided me with a much different perspective on domestic violence.  It is a social cancer that cannot be effectually dealt with by laws created to protect people and their property from strangers, not those they live with. As with molestation, if you talk to enough women candidly you will be shocked at how many of them have been the victim of sexual, physical, and psychological abuse at the hands of someone they were in a romantic relationship with.  Statistically this means that there is a good chance that there are one or more women that you interact with personally or professionally every day that is currently being abused.

Experience tells us that the most dangerous time for these women is when they make the decision to leave.  This is also the most dangerous time for their family, friends, and especially coworkers.  In many cases, most of their family and close friends know or have a very good idea what is going on and will be likely aware that the woman is in the process of leaving.  Not so for employers and coworkers.  Embarrassment is one of the biggest psychological issues that keep a woman from leaving.  Think about it, who would want their coworkers much less their boss knowing that they were being abused.  Over time they have perfected the art of putting on a happy face no matter what is going on at home because they need to earn a living.  The abuser knows this. One of the first things a woman has to figure out is where to hide while court papers are served or she figures out what her next move is.  The abuser knows this and that is why so many assaults and murders of abuse victims take place at the court house or the abused’s workplace.  The state of mind of the abuser by this point is that anyone who is friendly with the abused is working with her against him.

For someone that has been at a place of employment for any period of time, it is likely that their spouse is familiar with their coworkers and will attract little suspicion if they just happen to show up at work.  This is especially true at the start and end of the day or lunchtime when people are typically coming and going.

There are no shortage of stories in the news of coworkers being killed by the spouse of a coworker when they showed up to kill their spouse.  The question is how we avoid that.  Here are some quick tips-

·        Know that emotional baseline of everyone in your office.

·        Watch how they respond to the presence of their significant other.

·        Take note of how they relate to each other at company functions.

·        If you believe their life is in danger, report it to your boss.

Back to the embarrassment issue, even in cases where the woman has an ex parte order or a protection from abuse order against her spouse, they almost never share it with their boss or company security.  Part of the victimology of abuse victims is that they have been made to feel isolated to the point where they feel that nobody can help or protect them from the abuser.

If this information is shared with the employer, a balance must be struck between confidentiality and the welfare of those in the business place.  If your company does not have internal security, one of the managers should be serving as the liaison with the local police and hopefully have a specific point of contact with them.  Sometimes all it takes to create some peace of mind is to have an officer sit on the lot at the beginning and end of the day.  Due to manpower restrictions, you need to understand that this is not going to be an everyday thing and that they will often only do this if they deem the threat credible.

The overall well being of a workplace ultimately relies on the attitude of the employees about such things, not on their security or even the police.

In our next post we will discuss how to survive an active shooter if you are unarmed.